Acceptance and delivery have always been what I have struggled with in life. I haven't published an entry in a while because I felt like if I talk about only me, I would find out my readers are not really interested in "Only Barb" as a person but rather as the superhero a.k.a the 9-1-1 dispatcher with juicy calls. I realized this was somewhat true as a result of my June 2nd post https://onlybarb.blogspot.com/2020/04/if-you-have-been-following-my-blog-then.html
I saw that the post was not received as well as many of
my others but I also realized once again how powerful the mind can be. When you
think about something and put energy behind it, the degree of energy you give
is what you will get. So I went into it
worried about what people were thinking and now I realized my confidence was
not there and in turn I didn't push the entry as I did with the others. So
world, I want you to know, yes you will get my 9-1-1 stories and in addition
you'll get stories about me. So now that
I have said this publicly I feel like I am comfortable moving forward with
sharing my world with you.
It's hard not to think about what people may think of
you.
Social media can either be brutal or it can be a great companion. I can't imagine what having social media would have been like when I was younger. I did some pretty dumb things at times. Is there a level to "dumb" things so to speak? Everything you do even down to what you wear had the potential to be a topic on people's posts.
When I was in the 5th grade, my older sister used to wear white t-shirts and jeans to school every day. She was in High school and I was in elementary, so to me it seemed like it was the "cool" thing to wear. The problem here was she was not the cool student and her fashion choices were not fashion-forward. Of course at the time I had no idea. Later in life at my 20th year high school reunion I found out that people in school thought I wore the same white t-shirt every day. They said some would talk about me being poor and wearing a dirty t-shirt. Kids would talk about me aloud about other things so some I was aware of but perhaps if social media was there then, I would have reacted differently about things because it would be a larger platform of gossip. Somehow I grew up with a way to shrug things off including the things I actually did hear about myself. I honestly adopted the philosophy of "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." I really stuck to it all my life and no matter what was said to me I'd shake it off and ignore it. Well not until recently when I found out what happens to those names that supposedly never would hurt me.
I’m not sure if you can tell but I am aspiring to be a published writer. I have a life story that is nothing short of a good ol' Lifetime network movie. I've seen a lot of ups and downs in my life and as you take this journey with me you'll learn more about them. I now realize the amount of trauma I've been through is probably more than the average person. I'm okay with that as it makes me who I am today. In January, at work, there were two calls that pushed me to the edge of a mental breakdown. I knew I was at a pivotal point and if I did not seek help, it would literally break me forever.
9-1-1 what is your emergency?
Operator 43 is not good. I am Operator 43.
 |
These are the faces many people think depression looks like |
I was determined to seek help from a therapist but the bad part was where do I go to find one? I was in such a funk finding a good match was an issue. My friend stepped in and found one for me and vetted through them to make sure the person had the practice to suit my needs. My first encounter was me not really understanding how the process goes outside of the television show scenario of laying on a couch. I politely explained I had no idea what I was to do and I was new to this and asked if she was okay with me throwing up on her with my words and she obliged.
During a session of sharing my life timeline, I had an epiphany and it made me realize that I was not there solely because of my stressful 9-1-1 job but because of something else. This other thing that had led me to therapy was the years of me allowing the sticks and stones to hurt me. I realized then that I had been stacking the names and mean words in the closet.
If that is your philosophy just STOP IT NOW.
It will haunt you later. As a kid, the television was filled with Public Service Announcements (PSA's) commercials. I vividly remember one where there was a parent yelling at a kid saying you're so dumb and stupid. The child would be sad and cry. I thought to myself why would anyone believe that about themselves? Just go above and beyond to erase that stereotype and prove them wrong. Well as I sat in therapy shy of being 41, I had this epiphany. My issues, the reason why I was there was because about 36 years before, my sister and I with a 9 year difference would argue a lot. I'm sure you can imagine how a 4 and 13 year old got along. So in the middle of an argument, my mother told me you should be nice to your sister. She was the one who wanted to bring you home. I had planned to leave you there at the hospital for adoption but she insisted you come with us.
I know many of you are pulling out your gavel and throwing judgment at my mom and just so you know, I finally did that day in therapy too. Don't tell a kid something like that but in her defense, I will say she did it for a reason and probably saw it as a positive way to fix the bickering between me and my sister. I could see what she was trying to do but it was an outright fail. I think parents can agree since there is no type of manual for these things, oftentimes things won't be perfect. I never knew that would stick with me but I sure did find out in therapy that day.
"My therapist told me..." or "I was talking to my therapist…"
I promise you, my therapist has become what a comma can do to a sentence. I once saw this meme that said…
"Let's eat grandpa vs Let's eat, grandpa" so the comma changed the entire meaning of it all and that's what my therapist did for me. Therapy has become the comma in my life. Commas are important too as you can see. All of the words and explanations as to what is for a lack of better words "wrong with me" are there. But in my world alone I have a problem placing the words in the right order whereas my therapist has the gift and training to help me think for myself and unscramble the words the proper way.
At work, I talk to a lot of people who seem to be without commas and for what reason? I can only speculate. I know there are many instances in which I may not have all views of their lives but from my experience from talking to them for 14 years now the calls typically all go the same way. The common factors are they don't have support, or the support that is available is out of their reach or they may not have the means or know how to get the help. It's sad sometimes because there are a lot of people to whom I speak to who are suffering from mental health struggles ranging from schizophrenia to depression. These are real people with real scenarios and that is why if you have any doubt about it, depression is real.
Caller: This is not an emergency but...
Let me say this now...it may not be said or even felt over the phone but when you call and say "This is not an emergency but..." My first thought and I'm sure many other dispatchers ask themselves THEN WHY ARE YOU CALLING 9-1-1? But of course we don't ask that or make you feel that way. The flip side to this is that you may get the caller that says I have chest pain; I don't know if it's that serious, what do you think I should do? Upon further review, I find out they have chest pain, sweating and history of high blood pressure. Why are you questioning this? Yes, this is absolutely an emergency. Then you have the other caller who will say something like I am stuck behind the gate at the storage facility. The sign says it closes at 7 and when I look at the clock and it says 7:03. They may then say something like oh it's just a couple of minutes after 7, I had no idea it really would lock on time. Well it's now 7:03 but we will come and assist. Please abide by the sign next time.
Then you get the call for help...prevention help. In one case, a father called and he sounded exhausted,
apparently it was from trying to find some resources. He said, this is not an
emergency, but once I found out his reasoning I was not bothered by his
statement any longer. He tried to find some help for his daughter who was
suicidal. Although she was having a good day today, she had previously tried to
end her life twice before. The end of it all was the same, just like I was
unable to find the proper therapist for myself; I knew exactly how helpless he
felt for his daughter. His hands were tied and he was doing all he could to
help and in turn was asking for help. The saddest part was that I had nothing
to offer him. There are no protocols or
special numbers for me to give him in such a situation.
"Operator 43 what is your emergency?”
"I don't know if this is an emergency but I don't want
it to turn into one. I AM operator 43
and I need help."
These are actual faces of depression
Where I am now, and in my time of need, I have resources
available to me, however it came with caution and so much so that I didn't feel
comfortable using the resources. There
is a poster at work with a number to call but there are too many unanswered questions
about what the person on the other end is going to do or what they can do to
help. Mental health has become more of a talked about topic but in previous years
passed it became something that was hushed. If you are suffering from
depression, bipolar syndrome, schizophrenia, regardless of how mild or severe the
case may be, people just learn to say "you are crazy.” We need to all
learn to be more supportive and take note when people are having struggles of
sorts. SUPPORT is the keyword. Furthermore, the resources seem to be scarce,
and there have to be more ways to be able to help while making people feel
comfortable.
What is the answer to better mental health? I think
early education is an answer. If we're
taught earlier that we all have the potential of having a breaking point then
it won't be as shocking when it happens.
Maybe more of us can recognize ourselves in others and as such if we see
it, we can intervene and provide help. Mental
health awareness needs to start early bottom line. No one knows their breaking point. I
sometimes wonder what would break me. I
recently found out where the start was.
Depression moved in my life and I was really trying to evict it. It has
been difficult but I am grateful I am working through it with my
therapist. Even some people close to me I hear the doubt or judgment about my choice of using a therapist. I just know I felt like that caller "I
don't know if this is an emergency but..."
From my superhero side had someone told me they were feeling like I
feel, I would try and do any and everything in my power to help them.
I'm so thankful that I was able to have a supportive friend to help me through it all. During this time especially I know many of us may feel alone because in fact we are because of social distancing.
A friend of mine said "The longer I live, the more I realize that humans are, simply, messes. Beautiful messes, but messes in need of help, nonetheless."
So now we all must find our help when we are in the mess. So if you are feeling down and need some help please reach out. If that poster at work isn't the place you want to start then start somewhere else. Don't be ashamed. If you want to reach out to me, please do so because I'm a resource. I have become involved with a really cool twitter community who is very supportive with mental wellbeing. The best part about them, they are easy to relate to and they're open enough to share when they've had a rough day too. I welcome all the positive thoughts out there in the twitterverse. It's nice to know they're available when you feel the need.
I won't keep my positive twitter community to myself, please take a look at their profiles. They are both friendly and inspiring.
@jamingeorge04
@SaraJaneKehler
